Up on the roof

February 19, 2015

I went up to my study a few minutes ago and I saw something moving on the roof next door.  A snow rake?  From someone up on a ladder?  Bob does that from time to time.

This time Bob was up on the top roof himself, removing snow from up there while walking on the surface.  I couldn’t watch, I came downstairs.  A neighbor further down the street died after a fall from a ladder at his home.  It happens, even if it doesn’t happen often.

Whenever I see people walking a high roof (usually they are professional roofers on a dry roof in good weather), I have a sense that there’s a lesson in there for me, especially in my aversion to watching (even professional roofers).  It’s something like, “Well, that’s what you do (or did) and it was hard to watch you, too.”

And then I draw a blank about what that could be and usually end up doubting the entire messaging incident itself.  But these incidents come up fairly often, so I conclude that I haven’t yet understood something yet that would be helpful for me to understand.

The only thing that I can come up with is that I have gone in and looked at the world through the perspective of narcissists who have a severely underdeveloped capacity for connecting their conscious self with their subconscious self, and maintained (not without a struggle) my own bearing that this is just their point of view and that i [this is what I typed without realizing it, and I’m going to leave it] have been able to step out of it ultimately.  Maybe “the fall” would have been to have become completely swept up in it and forgotten my own perspective or not been able to get back to experiencing the world from it — I am certainly aware that those are hazards.  In fact some of them happened to me as a child and did not become fully resolved until I was in my early forties.  Perhaps experiencing that journey was the hazard, perhaps it was not a foregone conclusion that I would ever emerge and come back to my own worldview.

And what would have been the point of such a journey?  I don’t think I in particular did it because I had a personal desire to do it.  Maybe it provided something needed by the people whose point of view I looked out through temporarily, I guess they would be in a better position to speak to that.  Or maybe the point of the exercise can only be understood from a loftier perch with a bird’s eye view, I don’t know.  I do know that i am more comfortable in my own skin, even if it has its drawbacks.  Maybe that is the task the narcissists I have interacted with are working on, maybe I have merely mirrored their own task.  (It’s a tough one.)  Maybe that’s what this has been all about.


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