I don’t want to know

January 15, 2014

I think there are some social situations in which I don’t let someone know that what they are doing bothers me because I don’t want to find out that they will continue to do it anyway.

There’s a risk involved in bringing up a disagreement, and while I accept that I don’t control other people, I apparently still like to harbor illusions about them.  I think it’s like the concept of a parent telling young children in a poor family that there’s always the bank account that can be tapped if necessary — I want to believe people are other than as they are as a kind of a safety net, I have a need to feel that if I should ever really need to work something out with them, they are the sort of person who will be there for me.  I will go to some lengths to keep myself ignorant that they are not actually like that.

It’s a letting-go process — to let go of the need to keep the illusion in place, to keep that sense that there is this bank account I can draw on in an emergency, in the form of a person who will help.  To let go of the need to have any human play that role for me.

When I am ready to let that go, I see the person as they are.  I focus my reliance on the universe instead.

As I write this, the sunlight from the dining room illuminates the left side of my Buddha’s face, the right side is in shadow.

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