“But I love you”

July 3, 2013

I had a boyfriend once who treated me in a way that (a) I didn’t like and (b) made it difficult for me to think well of myself.  And when I explained to him that this was a problem, I was met with “But I love you.”

I pointed out that he chided me for accepting unacceptable behavior from others and that they, too, told me “But I love you.”  I said that in at least most of the cases, it was actually true, the person did actually love me.  But they still treated me in away that I could not process without damage.  He was no different, and what he was doing felt to me no different in general, just different in detail, perhaps with more attention to giving me things I might like at strategic moments.  But if I needed something, and voiced that, it was rationalized away, and dismissed, if it meant he had to give something up himself in order to meet that need.  The giving was according to his desires, not my needs.

I don’t think he ever saw my point, and he didn’t want to leave, but my perception of what was going on, or not going on, between us created distance and the relationship withered on its own.

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