I am not a muse

April 7, 2012

I say this tongue in cheek, not directed at anybody, although I admit to having felt frustrated at being treated as a muse by people, by many people, whether they were conscious of what they were doing or not.  But, I’m feeling better about the whole thing now, because I’ve come to see myself differently, and learned, maybe, to dwell in my own self-image, not other people’s.

Here’s my tangible reflection in the material world of the process of coming to that understanding.

Many years ago, my parents gave Willy and me, for our anniversary, a reproduction of a head of the muse for comedy, Thalia, produced I think by a partnership between the Vatican Museum and the New York Metropolitan, if I’m remembering correctly.  It wouldn’t stand by itself, and we found someone in Somerville, MA to make a pedestal for it.  It now sits on top of a piano at what is the back of the dining room but used to be part of a pantry, I suspect.

A few months ago, I added a Buddha head to the tableau:

Then along came the painted Buddha head, which sits on the floor below Thalia and facing me, through a doorway, when I’m sitting at the kitchen table eating.

The Buddha above and Thalia share the upright piano platform:

What I derive from these juxtapositions and sequence of events is that I used to allow myself to be treated as some kind of muse, whether for poets, songwriters, artists, and such, or by people with whom I was in a relationship, but that more recently I have identified that energy that people tap into as being about something else, as being part of my soul’s divinity.  I was aware of being unhappy when it was put to artistic, much less commercial, use, but demanding that others not do this didn’t seem a fruitful approach.  And I know I have felt used, especially when the other person has not returned in their own way as much in the way of energy and resources as they took from me.  But I have come to see that what I need to do is to be clear in my own self about how I see myself, and that as long as I am clear in how I see myself, I can let the rest go, and, indeed, it all falls away —  it no longer feels like my responsibility or my business, and when I rest in my own vision of myself and am not focused on what others are doing, whatever it is they are doing impacts me less or not at all.

That understanding has given me some peace of mind.

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